A Good Book

Well this will be my last official post. The next one will be the paper I wrote on this subject and will contain many of the ideas I have shared throughout my posts. In other words you don’t have to waste your time reading it.

Again, the main focus of this blog is to inform those seeking a significant other about what to look for during the dating process to ensure a satisfying marriage. Marriage is an investment, an investment of ones self to another person, and therefore should not be taken lightly. Of course there will be ups and downs just like the market but we need to make sure that we choose someone that is gradually moving up despite inevitable highs and lows that accompany marriage. To avoid falling in love with someone that is moving in the opposite direction, I recommend the book Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons, by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. Surprising right? I think I’ve mentioned this book or Dr. Warren’s name in every post however I haven’t said much about his experience.

Dr. Warren has been a marriage counselor for over the past three decades, almost half his life time. In his 30+ years of counseling, Dr. Warren has been able to witnessed the great decline and gain a great understanding on why people are divorcing or unhappy with their current marriage. Throughout his career, Dr. Warren has identified 29 dimensions of compatibility, a guideline for the marriage go-getters. Here they are: Good character, the quality of your self-conception, red flags, anger management, obstreperousness, understandings about family, family background, intellect, similar energy levels education, appearance, sense of humor, mood management, traditional vs. nontraditional personalities, ambition, sexual passion, artistic passion, values, industry, curiosity, vitality and security, autonomy vs. closeness, communication, conflict resolution, sociability, adaptability, kindness, and finally dominance vs. submissiveness. Each one of these dimensions is discussed in detail with real non-hypothetical stories or situations, putting each dimension into a realistic perspective. Though it may be difficult, Dr. Warren suggests that you should find someone who meets all 29 dimensions. This task obviously requires a lot of work, work that people would rather not do, so they do the bare minimum. If you want to be sure about your relationship and marriage, I recommend this book. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this blog. To those that made any comments, thank you. It is nice to receive feedback whether or not you agreed with any of the claims made throughout this blog. Best wishes to you.

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Time Will Only Tell

Growing up, I think all of us can remember a time when our parents dragged us to a special event. They usually groomed us to make us look presentable and as they made the finishing touches to our hair or crooked tie, they would say, “Be on your best behavior” or something similar to that. The reason our parents admonished such perfect behavior was to preserve their social status and show society that we, their children, were well-behaved angles. In reality we were far from being well behaved or well mannered. By heeding the admonition of our parents would only be lying to society about our true nature.

When it comes to dating we subconsciously make this decision, that is to put on our best behavior or what were perceive to be the ideal behavior. If you are telling yourself that you do not put on your best behavior when you find yourself in presence of a cute guy or girl, you are a dishonest person. Don’t kind yourself. It’s natural for someone to act differently when they are trying to impress someone of the opposite sex. I’ve done it and still catch myself doing it. This is not always a good thing, for guys IQ seem to drop at least 15 points when trying to impress a girl. Usually when a person tries to impress the opposite sex they cover or dust their imperfections under the rug thinking it will increase their chances with that person. Its easy for someone who is in the early stages of dating to not care about this because they are usually blinded by the hormone oxytocin as discussed in one of the previous posts. But if someone is really putting on a behavior that truly isn’t who they are as a person, one can expect a turn for the worse. Eventually the persons true character will be revealed and this could create large problems, problems that could have been avoided. Now don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting that everyone you date is hiding some kind of serious addiction or 15+ mistresses, however people can pretend to be someone they are not.

This might become more meaningful when you consider sociologists Dr. Paul R. Amato research on the reasons why people divorce. In his research, Dr. Amato found that incompatibility ranked second, after infidelity, on people’s reasons for divorcing.

In Dr. Neil Warren’s book, Falling in Love For All the Right Reasons, Dr. Warren makes the statement that couples should date for two years before getting married and at very least one. The reason: people are usually on their best behavior during the first year of dating. This may seem like a long time but we’re talking marriage here. This is the person you are going to be spending the rest of your life with. Do you really want to discover a year after being married that you and your spouse aren’t a very good match?

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"The Ultimate Goal of Man"

I am currently reading a book titled Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. In this book the author writes about his experience in the German concentration camps. One day while struggling with the stresses of living in such terrible conditions, Viktor reflects upon his wife for strength to preserver and later makes this statement “…love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.” The word love can be expressed many different ways. When you were in 3rd grade a girl expressed her love for you by kicking, pinching or biting you. Boy's didn’t express their love because they were taught that girls have coodies. This type of behavior is not true love. So what is true love? Psychologist Robert Sternberg has a theory on love that will answer this question.

Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love. This theory characterizes love in the context of interpersonal relationships. The triangle consists of 3 elements:

Intimacy – close bond with another person
Passion – physical attraction, sexual pleasure
Commitment – agreeing to stay faithful to another person

From these 3 basic elements, Sternberg formed 7 different types of love.



Non-love: none of the elements are present. Why bother?
Friendship or liking love: this love only carries intimacy. Best friends forever.
Infatuated love: Passion only. Here people only desire physical satisfaction. Unfortunately, this kind of love happens to be the most popular in our society.
Empty love: Nothing but commitment. That’s it… Boring.
Romantic love: Intimacy + passion. In other words “free love”, very popular in the late 60’s and early 70’s.
Companionate love: Intimacy + commitment. Some people say this is inevitable with old age.
Fatuous love: Commitment + passion. Here there is no depth to the relationship.
Consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment.

I believe Comsummate love should be the ultimate goal to which men and women must aspire to. This is the only kind of love that will endure the trails of life and the rough seas of marriage. Any love other than this will be short lived.

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