Growing up, I think all of us can remember a time when our parents dragged us to a special event. They usually groomed us to make us look presentable and as they made the finishing touches to our hair or crooked tie, they would say, “Be on your best behavior” or something similar to that. The reason our parents admonished such perfect behavior was to preserve their social status and show society that we, their children, were well-behaved angles. In reality we were far from being well behaved or well mannered. By heeding the admonition of our parents would only be lying to society about our true nature.
When it comes to dating we subconsciously make this decision, that is to put on our best behavior or what were perceive to be the ideal behavior. If you are telling yourself that you do not put on your best behavior when you find yourself in presence of a cute guy or girl, you are a dishonest person. Don’t kind yourself. It’s natural for someone to act differently when they are trying to impress someone of the opposite sex. I’ve done it and still catch myself doing it. This is not always a good thing, for guys IQ seem to drop at least 15 points when trying to impress a girl. Usually when a person tries to impress the opposite sex they cover or dust their imperfections under the rug thinking it will increase their chances with that person. Its easy for someone who is in the early stages of dating to not care about this because they are usually blinded by the hormone oxytocin as discussed in one of the previous posts. But if someone is really putting on a behavior that truly isn’t who they are as a person, one can expect a turn for the worse. Eventually the persons true character will be revealed and this could create large problems, problems that could have been avoided. Now don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting that everyone you date is hiding some kind of serious addiction or 15+ mistresses, however people can pretend to be someone they are not.
This might become more meaningful when you consider sociologists Dr. Paul R. Amato research on the reasons why people divorce. In his research, Dr. Amato found that incompatibility ranked second, after infidelity, on people’s reasons for divorcing.
In Dr. Neil Warren’s book, Falling in Love For All the Right Reasons, Dr. Warren makes the statement that couples should date for two years before getting married and at very least one. The reason: people are usually on their best behavior during the first year of dating. This may seem like a long time but we’re talking marriage here. This is the person you are going to be spending the rest of your life with. Do you really want to discover a year after being married that you and your spouse aren’t a very good match?
Sunday, March 14, 2010
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6 comments:
While it's certainly true that a person can pretend to be something they aren't for a certain period of time, and that super-fast relationships aren't conducive to long-lasting marriages, I think dating for two years is overkill for anyone who has the niceties of the law of chastity to worry about.
Furthermore, I don't think there is anything wrong with being on one's best behavior during dating. I certainly expect honesty from my dates, but extreme honesty in the form of "let me tell you about all my character flaws" is neither attractive nor productive. The kind of person I'm seeking is one who makes me want to be the better person that you disparage as a false personality.
Also, I think "incompatibility" is a cop-out excuse for laziness and unwillingness to compromise and work on a relationship. So long as you have shared goals and desires, you needn't have all your interests in common to be "compatible." Nor do you need to marry someone with no character flaws. So long as you're both committed to each other, to the relationship, to the Lord, and to constant improvement, I think you'll have a great marriage, despite the length of your courtship.
Amy has some points, but I think there is a difference between "being on your best behavior" and "pretending to be someone that you are not." I think everyone would agree that when you are in the beginning stages of dating, it is important to in a sense"reel the other person in." You want to do something that catches their eye, whether it be open the door for them at the restaurant, wear a nice shirt on your date, or laugh at their joke even if it really wasn't that funny. These things are important when starting courtship.
However, the more you date, the more you are going to show your true self, minus all your sweet manners and show which you try to do to impress the other person.
My cousin and I have made up this rule: the first 3 dates with a person you really like you need to dress to impress, but the 4th date(or when things start to get more serious) you need to let them see that grungy side of you, possibly wear sweats, or for a girl you can leave your hair up in a ponytail and not wear makeup that day. This is a test. Because whoever you end up with, needs to be able to find you attractive even during your down days.
This is why dating for a long time can be very beneficial. I have always agreed that I want to date the person I marry for at least a year before we marry.
I like it, I do this all the time:)
Wow, the comments on this posts, excluding J.M.'s, is appalling. First off Amy, using the law of chastity as an excuse to get married is a "cop-out" for getting married to someone you are not compatible with, and is a lazy excuse for not truly dating someone and getting to know them. If you've ever really dated someone and been in love you'd know that love is developed and grown, and if you're worried about the law of chastity and the person you're dating that shows to me that your morals aren't really the same and you really aren't compatible. And why wouldn't you want to marry someone who likes the same things you do and someone you get along with? You're supposed to marry your best friend right? Well does your best friend like most of the same things that you do? Would you say your best friend and you are compatible? That doesn't mean compatibility is the most important thing in a marriage, but to say its a "cop-out" is just showing your lack of understanding and willingness to date until you find the right person. There's a reason divorce is on the rise and its because people think that all you need to do is work out your problems once you get married and fail to realize that you'll never work out your problems because the other person you're with doesn't think like you and you're not compatible, so get of the desperate I need to get married as soon as possible train and take the time to find a "compatible" mate.
And to Lisey, although I agree with some of your comments, I have a HUGE problem with you and your cousin's rule. Why are you testing the guy you're dating? Are you expecting them to fail? Is that all dating is? Finding a guy that passes all your tests? I always thought dating was about finding things in others that you are looking for in a mate. Why give "tests"? Are you going to do the same thing to your husband or wife? Isn't it better to get to know someone without set up for failure? Oh he is the perfect guy except he didn't think I was pretty when I was trying to be ugly... WHAT? are you insane? Don't you know that falling in love means looking past the surface and all the petty pretty/ugly looks that firsts attracts us to other people? How is someone supposed to get to know you for you if you're testing them all the time? How is someone supposed to get comfortable enough with you and let you see who they really are if they are always worried about another test, thus never allowing them to stop showing off their "best foot forward" or "best behavior"? They can't because they are too worried about failing another test.
Both of you grow up and forget what you're childish ideals of marriage are before you're looking for your second husband.
"me" tell us how you really feel.
"me" I want to thank you for your comments and deep passion for this subject however belittling the opinions of others raises a red flag about your character. Next time, give yourself a few days to think about the opinions that others have raised before you let the steam roar out of the kettle.
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