IQ: It Will Make Or Break Your Relationship

I lied. Instead of giving you a paper to read, I am going to make one final post. Consider it a treat for checking this blog one last time although it may not be a treat you like. Not everyone enjoys Toblerone Swiss chocolate like I do. I will begin with a brief story.

Jamie and Benjamin were a lovely couple during the days of their courtship and in early years of marriage. They actually dated for more than 6, almost a year. Quite shocking isn’t it? They were in love and felt that marriage was right. Over the course of their marriage something happened, causing them to become distant from one another. They are rarely seen engaging in meaningful conversations. They simply do their own thing day to day. This makes you question whether or not they are in love. What happened?

It is my assumption, from what I have learned from Dr. Warrens book and also from personal experience, that the reason why Jamie and Benjamin’s relationship has become stagnant is due a significant difference intellectual levels. Intelligence was something I had never really considered when dating girls until I read Dr. Warrens book, the one I mentioned in my last post (I give you permission to call me what you want for failing to do so). Dr. Warren raises a few valuable points regarding couples that differ intellectually. But how much difference does there need to be in order for a warning siren to sound? Dr. Warren found that couples who were very happy with their marriage scored on average + or – 10 points in IQ compared to each other. So if I scored an 80, I would want to find someone that was between 70 and 90 if I wanted to increase the chances of having a satisfying marriage. The consequences of settling for someone that is + or – 11 or more points can be detrimental to a marriage. Let’s think back on the relationship of Jamie and Benjamin. It is apparent that the two hardly conversed with one another about life events or interesting topics. Jamie might want to talk about something but has realized that Benjamin can’t engage in the depth that she desires or vice versa. Dr. Warren also mentions that in these situations, it is not uncommon for one partner to put down the other or have one feel inferior and intimidated of the other. You can image what the result would be if either of these situations existed in a relationship. I would find it very difficult to have a satisfying marriage/relationship with someone who lacks the ability to talk about things or events that occur in life on the same level. For me, being able to talk with someone about a subject I am passionate about on a level deeper than the surface is extremely important. I feel like I get cabin fever when I can't.

I’m sure a few of you agree with this take on finding someone similar to you intellectual level but how do you go about finding this someone? Dr. Warren basically suggests making an IQ examination a “fun activity” for a date but I find that hard to sell. I believe that you can feel out a person’s intellectual level by simply engaging in discussions with that person. This is not to be confused with conversation, the small talk we use on a daily basis with the people we meet or friends we haven’t seen in over week. The Oxford American dictionary states that a discussion involves taking into account different ideas and opinions. For me this is far better than going to a therapist and taking a test. Starting a discussion with someone is a lot less awkward than tricking them into taking an IQ, but if the two of you are competitive you may find it “fun activity”. I would rather not take an IQ test because I really don’t want to know how unintelligent I am. Ignorance is bliss.

If any of you have thoughts concerning intelligence levels do share. I want to know if this is taking the search for a companion a little too far.

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A Good Book

Well this will be my last official post. The next one will be the paper I wrote on this subject and will contain many of the ideas I have shared throughout my posts. In other words you don’t have to waste your time reading it.

Again, the main focus of this blog is to inform those seeking a significant other about what to look for during the dating process to ensure a satisfying marriage. Marriage is an investment, an investment of ones self to another person, and therefore should not be taken lightly. Of course there will be ups and downs just like the market but we need to make sure that we choose someone that is gradually moving up despite inevitable highs and lows that accompany marriage. To avoid falling in love with someone that is moving in the opposite direction, I recommend the book Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons, by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. Surprising right? I think I’ve mentioned this book or Dr. Warren’s name in every post however I haven’t said much about his experience.

Dr. Warren has been a marriage counselor for over the past three decades, almost half his life time. In his 30+ years of counseling, Dr. Warren has been able to witnessed the great decline and gain a great understanding on why people are divorcing or unhappy with their current marriage. Throughout his career, Dr. Warren has identified 29 dimensions of compatibility, a guideline for the marriage go-getters. Here they are: Good character, the quality of your self-conception, red flags, anger management, obstreperousness, understandings about family, family background, intellect, similar energy levels education, appearance, sense of humor, mood management, traditional vs. nontraditional personalities, ambition, sexual passion, artistic passion, values, industry, curiosity, vitality and security, autonomy vs. closeness, communication, conflict resolution, sociability, adaptability, kindness, and finally dominance vs. submissiveness. Each one of these dimensions is discussed in detail with real non-hypothetical stories or situations, putting each dimension into a realistic perspective. Though it may be difficult, Dr. Warren suggests that you should find someone who meets all 29 dimensions. This task obviously requires a lot of work, work that people would rather not do, so they do the bare minimum. If you want to be sure about your relationship and marriage, I recommend this book. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this blog. To those that made any comments, thank you. It is nice to receive feedback whether or not you agreed with any of the claims made throughout this blog. Best wishes to you.

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Time Will Only Tell

Growing up, I think all of us can remember a time when our parents dragged us to a special event. They usually groomed us to make us look presentable and as they made the finishing touches to our hair or crooked tie, they would say, “Be on your best behavior” or something similar to that. The reason our parents admonished such perfect behavior was to preserve their social status and show society that we, their children, were well-behaved angles. In reality we were far from being well behaved or well mannered. By heeding the admonition of our parents would only be lying to society about our true nature.

When it comes to dating we subconsciously make this decision, that is to put on our best behavior or what were perceive to be the ideal behavior. If you are telling yourself that you do not put on your best behavior when you find yourself in presence of a cute guy or girl, you are a dishonest person. Don’t kind yourself. It’s natural for someone to act differently when they are trying to impress someone of the opposite sex. I’ve done it and still catch myself doing it. This is not always a good thing, for guys IQ seem to drop at least 15 points when trying to impress a girl. Usually when a person tries to impress the opposite sex they cover or dust their imperfections under the rug thinking it will increase their chances with that person. Its easy for someone who is in the early stages of dating to not care about this because they are usually blinded by the hormone oxytocin as discussed in one of the previous posts. But if someone is really putting on a behavior that truly isn’t who they are as a person, one can expect a turn for the worse. Eventually the persons true character will be revealed and this could create large problems, problems that could have been avoided. Now don’t freak out. I’m not suggesting that everyone you date is hiding some kind of serious addiction or 15+ mistresses, however people can pretend to be someone they are not.

This might become more meaningful when you consider sociologists Dr. Paul R. Amato research on the reasons why people divorce. In his research, Dr. Amato found that incompatibility ranked second, after infidelity, on people’s reasons for divorcing.

In Dr. Neil Warren’s book, Falling in Love For All the Right Reasons, Dr. Warren makes the statement that couples should date for two years before getting married and at very least one. The reason: people are usually on their best behavior during the first year of dating. This may seem like a long time but we’re talking marriage here. This is the person you are going to be spending the rest of your life with. Do you really want to discover a year after being married that you and your spouse aren’t a very good match?

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"The Ultimate Goal of Man"

I am currently reading a book titled Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. In this book the author writes about his experience in the German concentration camps. One day while struggling with the stresses of living in such terrible conditions, Viktor reflects upon his wife for strength to preserver and later makes this statement “…love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.” The word love can be expressed many different ways. When you were in 3rd grade a girl expressed her love for you by kicking, pinching or biting you. Boy's didn’t express their love because they were taught that girls have coodies. This type of behavior is not true love. So what is true love? Psychologist Robert Sternberg has a theory on love that will answer this question.

Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of love. This theory characterizes love in the context of interpersonal relationships. The triangle consists of 3 elements:

Intimacy – close bond with another person
Passion – physical attraction, sexual pleasure
Commitment – agreeing to stay faithful to another person

From these 3 basic elements, Sternberg formed 7 different types of love.



Non-love: none of the elements are present. Why bother?
Friendship or liking love: this love only carries intimacy. Best friends forever.
Infatuated love: Passion only. Here people only desire physical satisfaction. Unfortunately, this kind of love happens to be the most popular in our society.
Empty love: Nothing but commitment. That’s it… Boring.
Romantic love: Intimacy + passion. In other words “free love”, very popular in the late 60’s and early 70’s.
Companionate love: Intimacy + commitment. Some people say this is inevitable with old age.
Fatuous love: Commitment + passion. Here there is no depth to the relationship.
Consummate love: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment.

I believe Comsummate love should be the ultimate goal to which men and women must aspire to. This is the only kind of love that will endure the trails of life and the rough seas of marriage. Any love other than this will be short lived.

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A Sure Way To End Up Miserable

Two weeks ago I wrote about discovering ones self before pursuing a serious relationship. Last weeks post was about walking, taking baby steps, to marriage rather than sprinting to it. This week I would like to write about one issue that could help explain why 36% of women and 38% of men ages 20-24 end up experiencing a divorce.

People have been studying marriages for quite some time yet no one has been able to determine if there is a perfect age for marriage. Despite the unknown age, it is important to understand that word age has two characteristics according to psychologists: physical and mental. Physical age is pretty self-explanatory so I’ll just keep it brief. This refers to the physical development of the body, i.e. height, weight, wrinkles, etc. Mental age is determined by one’s cognitive abilities such as reasoning, problem solving, and thinking outside of the bun. Physically, most people reach their physical peak in their late twenties. Mental or cognitive abilities usually reach the adult level around the age of 16 while emotional maturity isn’t reached until after the age of 22 (1).

Emotional maturity can be described as the ability to manage and control emotions. It encompasses character traits like self-esteem, self-control, responsibility, and so on... I think you get the point. To give you an idea of this term, A person who is emotionally mature can handle getting laid off at work, heart break, receiving a ticket, failing an emissions test, and so on without slipping into a state of depression or throwing their shoe at a window. If the person you are dating cannot handle the misfortunes of life without turning into a Tasmanian devil or a hermit crab, please leave. This person is unstable. No one likes the feeling of standing on an unstable ladder. So before you think about saying the words “I do”, consider your own emotional maturity level as well as the person you feel is the one for you.

Here are some questions to ponder:
Do I think positively about myself?
Do I shut down when I experience failure?
How dependent am I on others?
Do I have control of my emotions?
Am I organized?
What is he talking about?

I guarantee that if you get involved in a serious relationship with someone who is not emotionally mature, you will be unhappy because you will either be trying and be a different person to keep your partners emotions at equilibrium or you will be yourself and ride the roller coaster of misery.

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1.Emotional Maturity Lags Cognitive Ability In Teens (2009). http://www.universityofcalifornia.edu/news/article/22095.

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Baby Steps

I just want to remind you that I am not an expert on dating or love. The ideas I come to come from studies and the writings of experts in the field of marriage counseling.

My favorite movie of all time is What About Bob. If you have not had the chance to see this classic, do so. In this movie the main character, Bob, is suffering from all kinds of psychological disorders he has imposed on himself. He seeks help from Dr. Leo Marvin, a renowned psychiatrists and author of a new book titled, Baby Steps. To keep it short, Dr. Leo Marvin’s concept of baby steps, the process of setting small reasonable goals, saves Bob’s sanity.

In the case of dating, taking baby steps will ensure that the person you think might be a candidate for marriage is the right one. Here I am going to change baby steps from the process of setting small goals to the process of taking small advances in a relationship.

I came across an article on the web titled Top 10 Dating Mistakes, and I would like
use what was said in the article concerning mistake #3, Fantasizing abut the future:


"When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date, it's time to remind yourself to slow down. In the first 3-6 months of a relationship, you are likely running on oxytocin, which is a chemical found in chocolate. It creates the sense of well-being and euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This might as well be dubbed the period of temporary insanity, because you are not in command of all your faculties; your brain is hijacked by those lovely chemicals, interfering with your ability to think clearly (a.k.a. twitterpated). Until you have time to really get to know someone, and see him or her in a wide range of situations, it is helpful to not get ahead of yourself; don't strongly attach to some illusion that you have created about the person. This can lead to pitfalls of setting up unrealistic expectations and subsequent disillusionment, or depression if the relationship doesn't work out [and even divorce]" (1).


I think most of us have at one point or another been twitterpated with someone of the opposite sex and are paying the price, living with the shame of knowing that we were an idiot for having such feelings toward that person. What causes one to make such poor judgments? Studies have found that one way in which the hormone oxytocin is released is when two people engage in the act of kissing and kissing someone after only a few dates is quite common these days (2). Other causes might be due to poor sense of self-conception, immaturity, you’ve never met a girl who listen’s to the band At The Drive-In or a guy who enjoys getting pedicures and is open about it. The bottom line is that we are susceptible to being misled by our fantasies of the future, so let’s be real with ourselves and take baby steps in our relationships to ensure that our judgments are sound, that we might avoid the mess that comes from taking the larger steps.


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1. Top 10 Dating Mistakes (http://www.cognitive-therapy-associates.com/top-ten-dating-mistakes.php).
2. Science Finds The Secrect of a Hot Kiss (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/article5683569.ece).

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"Know Thyself"

One thing I regret in life is that I didn’t begin to keep a journal until I was a senior in high school. What was great about this first journal was that it contained, in great detail, my first kiss and the short-lived romance that followed. Oh how I love to relive the day she stomped on my heart by leading me to think that there was still a chance, but after countless phone calls and no answer, I realized that she was just not that into me (it goes both ways). That red college-ruled notebook was filled with all kinds crazy stuff. The reason I am jabbering about this journal is because writing about my experiences in life has allowed me to capture who I am as a person and that is what I would like to discuss today.

Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is wishy-washy and inconsistent? If you do, good luck enjoying that rollercoaster because eventually you will get sick and throw up all over that person and that person won’t be happy. An inconsistent personality is a pretty good indicator of one who is unsure about whom they are. In Dr. Neil Warrens article, Before Looking For A Partner, Look Within Yourself, he makes the claim that before you get involved in an exclusive relationship you better know who you are. Why? Because if you don’t know who you are how could you possibly know what you want in life or in a future partner?

Here are a few suggestions and questions to ask yourself from Dr. Warren (from the article above and his book, Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons) and myself on how you can connect with you:

• Keep a journal. It’s healthy and can be used as a form of therapy that you don’t have to pay for!

• This one is my favorite: Who is the one person (it might be more than one) that has the ability to make you consistently angry? Maybe you like people who push your buttons.

• Who has the ability to make you feel inspired and why?

• Does the idea of being married and committed to the same person “until death” or “forever” sound appealing?

• How important is money to you? (Obviously you need to have money to sustain your life… in most cases)

• Travel. Go somewhere you have never been for at least a week. If you or your parents are rich travel the world for a few months.

• Take a psychology class. You will be surprised at how odd you really are.

• Honestly, the best-case scenario would be to have your plane crash on some mysterious island that forces you to live like the boys in Lord of The Flies just like the T.V series Lost. If you can’t connect with yourself there, I believe you are hopeless.

To end I would like to quote Dr. Warren again. “When it comes to something as critical and all-encompassing as marriage, it’s simply unwise to hope for the best when you can know for certain who would make the best partner for you.”

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